Thursday 14 June 2012
After you’ve read this, I’ll guarantee you’ll probably be wondering if I was serious about these things . . . In your contemplation of this, remember the ‘serious’ clause.
Nothing in life is certain. Well, aside from death and taxes, as that famous quotation goes. But some things in life should definitely come with a money back guarantee. For example, all the time you have lost by hanging out with those people who bleed you dry, and suck the goodwill from your body. Ten bucks says you can name at least one in your life . . . anyone says me, and I’ll go Dexter on your a$$.
Then there are the things that we should be required to declare prior to committing to any form of relationship. And, as I am the one suggesting this, I expect that it is only fair of me to be the first one to commit to the idea of declaring my personal guarantee to you.
I, *insert name here*, do hereby guarantee to commit to the following:
- I will employ techniques of passive aggression should you commit any act or deed, physically or in word, that ticks me off. You have fair warning. I am highly skilled at passive aggression, and not someone to be trifled with in this area.
- I will not tolerate your physical or non-physical acts of stupidity. My acts of stupidity will be deemed as ‘Lil D being funny’. Your stupidity will be viewed as a heinous act of poor judgement, and lack of intelligence, for which you will be suitably punished. Punishment includes, but is not restricted to, sighing, mocking, sarcastic jibes, eye rolls, shaking of head, squinting of eyes, the occasional slap to the back of the head (commonly referred to as the ‘DiNozzo’), and looking at you as if you are stupid.
- Any breach of trust or confidence by you will result in your being terminated from the relationship agreement. Unfortunately, I’m not legally allowed to literally go through with your termination, so ‘removal from all areas of my life’ will have to suffice.
- I will, semi-frequently, be prone to bouts of low mood excitement, or as the “doctors” call it, depressive episodes. This may be interpreted as wallowing in self-pity, but rest assured, it is not. If I wanted to wallow in self-pity, I would. As with passive aggression techniques, I excel at self-pity but choose to employ it sparsely. Your presence is not required for the duration of depressive episodes, so feel free to breathe a sigh of relief right about now.
- If you fail to take me seriously when I require to be viewed that way, I will pout and sulk. I am not required to give advance notice of the times I wish to be taken seriously, however, the onus is on you to make sure that you know exactly when these times are.
- Several topics of discussion are off the table should we have an opportunity to talk. These include, but are not restricted to, relationships, anything to do with feelings and emotions, politics, religion, education and the education system, and cats. You are not permitted to raise these topics with me. I am always at liberty to discuss them if I want. Except cats. Really, who would have an in-depth discussion about cats?
- Any act committed by you that I deem embarrassing or humiliating to me will ensure that I never speak to you again. 7.1 It is highly inadvisable that you take this as a challenge should you no longer wish to engage in any form of relationship with me. Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman who says ‘don’t embarrass or humiliate me’, especially when you ignore her and do something that does embarrass or humiliate her, because you will come to rue the very day you were born, along with the rest of your poultry existence. Do you clearly understand what I am saying? Good, then don’t test me. 7.2 Attempting to make me dance falls into this clause. No, I don’t find it funny that you insist, or try to make me dance. I abhor it, and undertaking such an act will result in my respect for you being nullified, and a termination of our relationship agreement.
- Practical jokes are not funny in my book. Attempting to prank me falls under clause 7.
- Explosions of anger and rage will occur, but are usually coupled with intense frustration caused by stupid people. Ergo, don’t be a stupid person if you wish to avoid aforementioned anger and rage. It is important to consider here, that I am a duck mass murderer, although that did occur without the presence of anger, rage, or frustration. Is it my fault that the Duck family decided to cross the highway whilst I was driving home from university, and there was oncoming traffic, which prevented me from manoeuvring the car around the ducks? No, it is not. So, shut the hell up and stop bringing up the duck story.
- Outbursts of alleged comedy and humour will regularly occur, as will massive doses of sarcasm, respect, loyalty, and concern (where needed and appropriate). It should also be noted that your person will not be judged unless you do something to tick me off, like suddenly becoming stupid beyond belief, disrespecting my friends or myself, thinking it’s a great idea to lie to me, using me and what little intelligence I have for your own gains, or discussing cats. Oooh, and I’ll also engage in psychologically analysing you whether you like it or not – it’s just how I roll. Not that I actually set out to psycho-analyse you, I just seem to read most people really well, and I kinda like doing it and I’m not gonna stop, so there.
Your signature indicates your agreement to these terms of relationship. The signature of the declarer indicates that all clauses will be adhered to unless deemed stupid. The declarer reserves the right to modify, or insert alternative clauses without prior notice to you. Should you disagree with any clauses, present or future, you have the right to toughen up, princess, or get lost, whichever takes your fancy.
__________________________ Your signature __________________________ Declarer’s signature