Wednesday 5 February 2014
I’m notorious for having poor decision-making skills. It’s not that the decisions that I make are poor, but rather that I have a distinct inability to actually make a decision in a timely or confident manner, or without deferring to someone else in order to find out what they thought of the decision that I might eventually make. Mind you, there is one exception to the rule, and that’s when I make an off-the-cuff, spontaneous, impromptu, spur-of-the-moment decision. I make that kinda choice reasonably well mostly because I don’t have to think about it.
So, anyway, on to the point of this post . . .
After work finished last year, and over the course of the summer break, I actually made a well thought out, conscious decision, and I managed to do it without any procrastination, or second-guessing, or last minute mind changes. I decided that this year, I would do stuff for me, without falling back on my good ol’ pal, Miss Placed Guilt. Y’see what I did there with the ‘name’ of my friend? Misplaced guilt. Get it? (I’m middle-aged now. I’m allowed, nay expected to deliver terrible middle-aged people jokes.)
Yep, I’m making a conscious decision to do what I want. In some respects, I used to do what I wanted anyway, but there was always a degree of guilt in my decisions. For example, if I made the decision not to accept work on a particular day, and I got a call to go in, if I said no I’d always feel guilty about not being available for work. Then I’d spend the day wondering if admin managed to find someone to take the day. And, of course, that meant then that my lovely planned day off turned to sh!t because I was guilting myself all day long. Then to make up for the fact that I’d said no, I’d say yes to lots of days in areas that maybe I didn’t really enjoy. Thus stressing myself out again. In a sense, my sucky decision-making skills were making me sick.
As a result, I’ve decided (and it was an easy decision to make) that 2014 is the year of Danielle’s Decisions. Instead of second-guessing the choice I make, I’m going to own it . . . cr@p and all. Instead of deferring to those around me to invest in the decisions, I’m going to be confident. Instead of saying ‘I don’t mind’, ‘You choose’, ‘It doesn’t really bother me’, I’m not gonna say that sh!t. Decisions concerning my life should be just that: mine. And I should make them without feeling cr@p if I’ve gone against what someone else believes. It’s gonna be tricky to maintain, and I know that I won’t win any friends with some of the decisions that I’ll make, but hey, that’s life, right?
I won’t allow others, or myself, to make me feel guilty for making a choice that I think is right for me. That’s the plan, anyway. I guess the proof will be when I have to make a big decision, and I know that I’ve got at least a medium level decision coming up. I think that when that happens, I’d like to remember Ripley in Aliens when the Queen Alien is trying to get to Newt, and Ripley’s locked into the powerloader. My decision will be like the character of Newt, my guilt will be the Queen Alien, and I wanna be Ripley in the powerloader saying ‘Get away from her, you bitch!’
And before anyone tries to link this post to some sort of cathartic event, or the fact that I’ve had a significant birthday this year, lemme tell you this . . . the reason that I decided to write this post was because I had nothing else to write about for my regular Thursday piece, and I finally made a decision about the topic of the post. That’s all there is to it. I needed a post, and this is what you get.
Feels good already to have made a solid decision. 😉