Monday 13 & Tuesday 14 October 2014
Still struggling to get back to regular writing, I finally hit upon a topic that I thought I could cope with. I won’t say where I was when I came up with this topic, but I do tend to come up with loads of ideas when I’m at this particular place. Anyway, I started thinking about the characters that I’d love to have written. And here we go . . .
- Miss Parker (The Pretender): Years ago, there was a TV show that I religiously watched, and it was called The Pretender. It focussed on a genius, Jarod, a pretender who could be anyone he wanted or needed to be. He escaped from the Center, the facility in which he had been held since childhood. Charged with his recapture was Miss Parker, the daughter of the head of The Center, who just as desperate to get away from The Center as Jarod. She was witty, savvy, gorgeous, and brutal. Miss Parker always, always delivered the best lines in the show. I was so smitten with this particular character that I created a ‘Red File’ on her – fans of the show will understand the ‘Red File’ reference. It contained photographs, a character profile, quotations, everything that I could possibly find on and offline with regards to Miss Parker. I loved the mythology behind the character, the character arc across the shows and movies, and I was enthralled with the way the actor, Andrea Parker (a nice coinkydink with their surnames), portrayed the character. Some of my favourite of Miss Parker’s lines include:
* Either of you munchkins breaks into song and I’ll drop a house on you.
* As unattached as your limbs are gonna be if you keep eyeballing me like that. (When asked if she was single/unattached.)
* For starters, pigs aren’t flying, hell hasn’t frozen over, and you’re not the last man on Earth.
* You so much as hint at this and I’ll amputate your head.
* I’m certainly not surprised someone wants to kill him. It’s a long line that starts behind me.
* Tormenting hours are from nine to five. Call back tomorrow.
* You breathe a word of this to anybody and every dairy case in America will be plastered with your face. Got it?
* It would give me great satisfaction to perform his autopsy . . . before he was dead.
* Sometimes I think you and I are the only people around here that are sane. Which isn’t saying much for me.
- Shane McCutcheon (The L Word): A vastly underrated series on the U.S. channel Showtime, The L Word followed the lives of a group of ‘gay lady’ friends – if you followed the show, you’ll understand the ‘gay lady’ reference. I first came across the show whilst engaging in a bit of late night TV viewing. I’d taped some show that I wanted to watch, and The L Word was on after that. I let the tape run through to the end of the show, and kinda got hooked on watching it. I’m not sure that the show was a big hit here in Australia, but it was a pretty good show, once you came to grips with the sex scenes. Shane was a damaged young woman who saw every woman as a conquest but couldn’t commit to a relationship. The flaws in the character and the strength of the writing are what made Shane so bloody likeable despite her promiscuity. Like Miss Parker in The Pretender, Shane had some of the best lines in The L Word. It wasn’t a show that relied solely on dealing with issues relevant to the gay community, but rather issues that were universal and related to everyone regardless of sexual orientation. And before anyone posits that me watching this show is a clear indicator that I’m gay . . . no, still not gay.
- Doctor Who and River Song (Doctor Who): I don’t think that I really need to explain this one, do I?
- Scully and Mulder (The X Files): Back in the day, when The X Files was in the first two or three series, and Mulder and Scully were still being established within the parameters of the mythology arcs, I would have given anything to have been able to write for these characters. I went off the show part way through season four, or perhaps it was the beginning of season four? However, up to that point, I didn’t think the writers of The X Files could do any wrong. Great characters, and particularly good to have a strong female protagonist, great writing, and some off the wall ideas for investigations made for some top television.
- Saffy, Eddy, Patsy, Bubble, & Gran (Absolutely Fabulous): Anyone who knows me knows that I love the show Absolutely Fabulous. I think that Jennifer Saunders did a brilliant job writing the show, and I don’t think anyone else could ever have captured those characters in the way that Julia, Jennifer, Joanna, Jane, and June did. That being said, if I had an opportunity to help Jennifer Saunders write the movie of AbFab, wild horses couldn’t keep me away from jumping at that chance, sweetie darling.
- Lara Croft (The Tomb Raider franchise): I’m focussing solely on the movies here. As a fan of the original Lara Croft games, I thought the idea of making a movie based on Lady Croft was a fantastic idea. I was even more thrilled to find out that Angelina Jolie was being touted as the woman to portray Lara. I really got a kick out of the humour and wit that the writers of the two Tomb Raider movies included for the character of Lara Croft. They made her so much more than a computer/video game heroine. And why wouldn’t I want to blend my interests in writing and archaeology?
- Wonder Woman/Diana Prince: So, the idea of a Wonder Woman movie gets bandied about quite often, although there has never been a movie devoted solely to my favourite superhero. Allegedly, a few movie studios have issued statements along the lines of ‘nobody wants a movie just about Wonder Woman’, ‘she’s not that important in terms of superheroes’, ‘she can’t fly so what’s the point?’ and so on. Insane. It’s simply insane. A legion of fans wants a Wonder Woman movie, so why not give them a good one? There in point lies another issue – again allegedly, a few scripts have been written for a Wonder Woman movie, but none of them have been any good. As a result, the movies have been canned. Bring it on, I say. Along with, ‘hey, I’ll have a go at writing a Wonder Woman movie with some awesome professional writer’. No, really, pick me!!!!
No doubt I’ll come up with a plethora of characters I’d love to write for in a day or two after I post this, but at the moment, my top choices are above. How about you? If you’re a writer, leave me a comment explaining which characters you’d like to have written for.