Wednesday 15 – Thursday 16 October 2014
Rather fortuitously, one of the national TV channels is showing a vast array of horror movies this month. I say fortuitously because I had nothing in regards to writing a new post, and then I remembered that SBS 2 was showing some great horror flicks, old and new. After watching about forty-five minutes or so of the original 1974 version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and putting up with the stereotypical helpless, meddling, screaming women I had the idea for this post.
Here’s some of the stuff I’ve learnt from watching way too many horror movies over the years.
* As anyone who watches horror movies will tell you, you’re in deep sh!t if you’re a virgin. You’re likely to be sacrificed if there’s a satanic cult, witchcraft, demonic possession, resurrection, or any old incantations are involved.
* On the flip side, you’re toast if you’re promiscuous. Repressed mass murderers and serial killers seem to enjoy targeting those engaging in . . . intimate acts.
* If you’re a screamer, you’re dead. Horror history has shown us that if you’ve got a great set of lungs, and you can shatter glass with your piercing screams, then you’re going to get a machete, chainsaw, or similar object to the head, neck or throat.
* When entering a seemingly abandoned house/farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, don’t call out ‘Hello’, ‘Is anyone home?’, or any variation of a salutation. Point number one regarding this issue: it’s highly unlikely that the homicidal maniac, or demonically possessed creature is going to flounce out of the kitchen, apron on, cookies in hand, and invite you in for afternoon tea. Point number two: shut ya bloody trap! Do you want the homicidal maniac or demonically possessed creature to know exactly where in (or outside) the building you happen to be?
* The woods – stay away from them, and stay outta them! It’s as if people in horror movies haven’t ever seen a horror flick. You’ve gotta stay out of the woods. Don’t go in there. Don’t go on a camping weekend. Don’t go to summer camp. Don’t drive through the woods as any sort of shortcut. Don’t go wandering into them all on your own. Don’t go wandering into them after someone. In fact, don’t go in the woods at all. And if someone in your crew suggests a trip to the woods, slap them stupid, and then run the other way. The woods – not the place you want to be.
* Old houses in the middle of nowhere – stay away from them, and stay outta them! What the hell is with people in horror movies inviting themselves into houses that don’t belong to them? Definitely a fail on manners, courtesy, and etiquette. If you’re desperate for assistance because there has been some sort of terrible accident, or your friends are already being picked off by some nutter, don’t go to the weirda$$, derelict house. For the love of God, find a house that looks inhabited by sane people! Or take a satellite phone with you so that you can get phone reception anywhere, and you don’t have to go to the creepy ol’ house that the killer just happens to live in.
* When travelling across the country, it is highly advisable to avoid any location that would look good to redneck hillbilly sister f**kers. Okay, here’s the deal . . . if you’re having to deal with redneck hillbilly sister f**kers, chances are that they’re inbred and therefore, it’s likely (according to Hollywood) that they will have serious mutations and intellectual issues. So, you really do want to avoid any part of the country that might be home to these folks. Think The Hills Have Eyes.
* Even if you’re starving, and I mean dying of hunger, don’t eat anything that is offered to you by the people you meet. The nut jobs should be fairly easy to identify, however, it’s important to remember that they may have normal looking people helping them. That meat that was put on your plate might look, smell, and taste like pork, but then again, so does human . . . apparently. Of course, the morsels that you’ve been offered might simply be poisoned. Either way, don’t eat that sh!t.
* When you’re running away from the maniac, always look ahead. How many times do we see people legging it through the woods or the derelict house, and instead of just going as fast as they can, they slow down and take a look behind them? Screw that! Just keep running. Don’t they know that you slow down when you look behind you? Run! Get the hell outta there.
* No hiding. Just don’t bother. As above: run! Get the hell outta there. Don’t waste time trying to find a hiding spot. Spend your time finding an escape route, and running the hell away.
* Don’t mess with the occult. No Ouija boards. No séances. No spell casting. No potion making. No invoking any-freakin’-thing. No deals with the Devil. Doesn’t need any further explanation.
* Entering rooms alone = noooooooooooooo. Do it and you’re dead. There’s always, always something in that room. It could be the big scary nasty thing, or it could be your buddy who has been attacked by the big scary nasty thing. Either way, you’re gonna get the sh!t scared outta you, so don’t go in the room alone!
* Entering rooms alone and in the dark = nooooooooooooooo. See above.
* You might be able to outrun the zombies to begin with, but at some point, you’re the main dish. Okay, so the ol’ lumbering zombies are a lil easier to get away from, and it is possible to live longer if you’re dealing with these suckers. The new breed that come with speed? Sorry, you’re dead meat. You will be munched.
* Make sure you’re not the slowest runner. You need people to throw to the sharks, so to speak. Or feed the zombies. Or replace you as the sacrifice. I suggest you take up running.
* Keep an armoury of weapons, and a reliable car. Wooden stakes, garlic, hawthorn, guns, silver bullets, axes, baseball bats, holy water . . . actually, anything that could possibly be used as a weapon. You’ll need it. That includes a phone and a phone charger. And a reliable car. SUVs are good. They have that larger wheelbase so you can go anywhere you need to, on or off road. I wouldn’t recommend a Prius or any other hybrid car. They might be quiet, but they’re tiny lil things. A zombie could take one out just by looking at it.
* Depending upon how easily scared you are, and how scared you’ll become during your ordeal, a change of clothes. You don’t wanna be running around, trying to escape a maniac, in soiled clothing. Make sure you have sensible shoes as well. Runners or hiking boots would be my choice of footwear whilst fending off big scary nasties.
Yep, I think I’ve covered some of the important bases here. Obviously, there are things that I’ve missed, like making sure you’ve got a first aid kit, fire extinguisher, food, and water, but the real point of this is . . . actually, there’s no real point to this.