Saturday 5 January 2019
Happy New Year! Five days in and 2019 is starting to settle in its place. People have made their New Year’s resolutions. People have thrown their New Year’s resolutions out the window. People have pledged to themselves that they’re going to change this year: get fit; eat healthy; be brave; quit their job; get a new job; go on a holiday; be kind; new year, new you; live life to the fullest; dance like no one’s watching; blah, blah, blah. You know how it goes. For some, it’s the biggest pile of bullsh!t they’ll tell themselves all year.
I’ve never made New Year’s resolutions. I don’t see the point in them. If someone wants to change, they’ll change. The desire to do so shouldn’t be dependent upon the changing of a digit. As such, I’ve never really understood why people make resolutions, particularly when a few days into attempting to achieve them, they quit and go back to their old ways or thoughts.
So, I wondered to myself, how could I possibly assist others to ensure they stay on track to achieve their New Year’s resolutions and write a blog post as well? And here we are. I’m going to try my best to provide motivation to those of you undertaking the New Year’s resolution challenge. I’m sure I’ll offend someone – that’s the new thing, isn’t it? Everyone gets offended by everything. Tell me if I’m wrong. Just a small disclaimer: this is meant to be a funny, sarcastic sort of post.
Let’s hope this works out. Here we go . . .
Resolution: To get fitter.
Motivation: Get off your fat ar$e and get moving you tubby tubby lardy bum. Gastric by-pass and any other banding surgery will only help you so far, and everyone will know you’ve had it done so don’t pretend you got thinner by eating healthy and exercising. Please . . .
Resolution: To eat healthier.
Motivation: Stop stuffing your face with fast food and sweets. Eat some f**king vegetables!
Resolution: To stop drinking so much.
Motivation: If that’s one of your resolutions, I’d hazard a guess that you’d be better seeking the help of a counselling group such as Alcoholics Anonymous. But that may not help as you’ve already announced it as a resolution to anyone who will listen to you.
Resolution: Be brave.
Motivation: Harden up, princess!
Resolution: Quit my job.
Motivation: Yep, because I can totally see you maintaining the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed on welfare.
Resolution: Get a new job.
Motivation: You’ll f**king need it after you’ve been on welfare for a few weeks if you want to keep up that pre-chuck-my-job-in bullsh!t
Resolution: Start up my own business and become an online entrepreneur.
Motivation: Sure! You’ll end up paying some wannabes thousands to help you follow your path to business success, and then, just like your wannabe friends, you’ll realise the money is in making other people think you actually know what you’re doing to create a hugely successful online business. Walk in, sucker.
Resolution: Go on a holiday.
Motivation: What? After you’ve just chucked in your job and signed up for welfare. You f**kwit! And if you’ve just moved on to that new job, you’re not eligible for holidays yet, you tw@t.
Resolution: Be kind.
Motivation: That’s not a New Year’s resolution, muppet. It’s the way you should be all the time.
Resolution: New year, new me.
Motivation: Yeah, no. New year, same you making promises to yourself and anyone else who’ll indulge your resolutions that you’ll be a better person this year.
Resolution: Live life to the fullest.
Motivation: Did you really need to tell us that? Could you not have just been doing it anyway?
Resolution: Dance like no one’s watching.
Motivation: Trust me, they really aren’t anyway. If you’re so ego-centric to believe that others are watching your every move, I’d make the suggestions that you either have issues, or you are, in fact, on a government watchlist of some variety and they really are watching you. You choose.
Resolution: I’m going to say yes more often.
Motivation: Are you sure? Do you really want to go down that road? Think of all the dumbar$e questions people are not going to ask you. Think of all the dumbar$e suggestions they’re going to try to get you to do. ‘Fancy driving our getaway car?’ Ummm, yes. ‘Wanna join my cult?’ Sure, yes. ‘Can I slap you for coming up with a sh!tty resolution?’ Yes, absolutely.
Look, I could go on. I really could. I’m sure there are some highly entertaining resolutions out there that I haven’t come across yet. If you know of any, leave a comment.
Happy New Year. May 2019 provide you with the best of health, happiness and good fortune. And if it doesn’t, make your own.